Soul Searching

I did a lot of soul searching last night after Mr. Blind left. I have been seeing quite a lot of him lately.... movies, hikes, dinner.... and I am really feeling safe and comfortable with this man. Yesterday I practically threw myself at him, I am embarrassed to say, and he very gently pushed me away and said "are you doing this because I am here, or because you really like me?" You know what, it is the same question I had been asking myself. Mr. Blind said he would rather take things slowly, because he wants to work on making a relationship that will last. I didn't know what to say, and after some soul searching I realized that what I was trying to do was to push a relationship with someone, without letting my heart be a part of it. I think it is a defense mechanism. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with Todd, and when my dreams and plans were shattered, it broke my heart. I tried to be brave and put on a brave face, but I was totally devastated. If I don't put my heart into a relationship, then I never have to go through that pain again.
The thing is, though, I really like spending time with Mr. Blind. I feel warm and safe and happy when I am with him, and when I think of telling him that I can't continue the relationship because I can't get my heart involved, I start to cry. So you see my dilemna. Against all odds, my heart is already involved.
I don't want to get married again. I don't want anyone to move in with me. I am scared to let myself be open to the relationship, but I also want to stick with it and see where it goes. Mr. Blind is not what was in my head as a person I might take a risk on. I had convinced myself that if I was going to date again I was going to look for someone who had no baggage, who was not looking for anthing long term, who had lots of money and lots of free time and just wanted to rescue me from my life and take me to wonderful places. Yes, I know it's a fantasy, but it was a good fantasy ! Then I met Mr. Blind. He has baggage.... so do I. He wants to be part of a family and have a meaningful relationship, which does scare me. I am going to have to take it really slow on that count. Both of us have to really watch the money we spend, which is, in fact, reality. So the question is, am I willing to go to the edge of the cliff and perhaps fall and shatter into pieces again ?
Some say I should date many, many people before I step into anything too serious. I don't really think that is true. If I find someone I want to spend time with, why would I pass that by to add numbers to my dating experience ? What would be the easiest thing is to tell Mr. Blind that I am not really ready to date, and to go hide under the covers for another year or two until I know that I am ready. The problem is, I like him. I like his hands and how big and gentle they are. I like the happiness I see in his eyes when he looks at me. I like the thoughtful things he does. I love the way he thinks about things and takes nothing for granted. I want to know more about the person he is, the person he was, and the life he's been through. I like the person he has become.
It is so hard for me to think beyond tomorrow. Who knows what will happen in six weeks, six months, six years. My instinct says to protect my heart at all costs. I hope I can be brave enough to take a chance.