A nice personality

I have discovered that saying "you're beautiful inside and out" in on-line dating circles is about equivalent to "you have a nice personality." Read...... I am not interested in you at all.
Yes, I broke down last night and wrote him a short e-mail. No, he did not write back. Did not even acknowledge the e-mail. How does it feel when someone meets you and then won't even answer your e-mails? It feels pretty damn bad. Gosh, you sounded good on the screen, but once I met you, YIKES ! I could understand it if, at the time, he had said "you know, you're really not what I am looking for."
I would have been okay with that. But he said nice things and asked if he could see me again. Honesty, folks, honesty. A little goes a long way.

I am having a day of depression and discovery. A big "D" day. It is almost the one-year anniversary of Todd's death. (depression). My new manager at work is demanding all of these absolutely ridiculous reports, assessments, etc. and I don't have time to sell a damn thing. She also is insisting on coming here on March 4 (the day before the 1-year-anniversary of Todd's death), to go over her plans for the company. I don't trust her as far as I can throw her ( which isn't far), and I think her timing is just cruel. She wanted to come on the 5th, but I told her no as I would be in no mood to talk to her. I explained the situation, and she said she'd come on the fourth instead ! Is it imperative that she see me next week ? No. She had planned a wine country weekend for her girlfriends and I guess wanted her flight to be paid for by the company, or some such nonsense. (demented - another "D".)
As for the future of the company, do I see the printing business supporting me for next twenty years ? NO. Do I get insurance, or retirement, or any of those good things ? NO. Do I have a job... YES. I know I am better off than many, many people that don't have jobs. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

The "discovery" comes in to play because next week, for the first time in my life, I will be alone ! Max and Lisa have found an apartment in San Francisco and will be moving in. I am so happy that Max is ready to start his life again. It has been a year of him being torn between his own life, and protecting me ! It makes me cry every time I think about what the kids have been through. I have spent a year trying to prove to Max that I can mow the lawn, feed the dogs, fix the car, etc. all by myself. It is like pushing a very big bird out of the nest. I am so happy that he is wanting to leave, but gosh, I will be lonely. I can't remember the last time I cooked for one. I think the dogs are going to become fat from leftovers.

You know, it's different when you are widowed than when you get a divorce. This isn't something I wanted, asked for, or planned. It was not a choice made by either party. By now, when the kids left home, Todd and I were supposed to travel, do things around the house together, maybe find a hobby or two. We were actually looking forward to being empty nesters. How do you feather a nest for one ?

***** just a note. Called church and asked if I could have a mass said for Todd on the 5th. The lady said the fifth was already taken, but would I want a different day. I told her if Todd died again, I'd let her know the new date ! Yes, I am a brat, but COME ON PEOPLE ********