One person, two lives

Sometimes I feel like I am living two separate lives. Today is my late husband, Todd's birthday.
He would have been 51-years-old today. I woke up today in Mr. Blind's bed.
Last night, when Mr. Blind asked me to come over, I thought long and hard about telling him no, I couldn't do that because I needed to wake up in my own bed this morning since it was Todd's birthday. However, I decided that I would go over the Mr. Blind's house anyway, and just maybe not spend the night. At 3a.m., when I woke up in Mr. Blind's bed, I again thought about leaving and heading home. But you know what, it would not have made one bit of difference if I were at home or elsewhere. It is still Todd's birthday. I still miss him terribly and wish he was still here. I wish we were celebrating with chocolate cake and champagne but the truth is, that is not going to happen. I can celebrate Todd in my heart and in my mind, but I can no longer celebrate with him in person. So I went back to sleep and in a way, a few hours later, it was comforting to wake up in the arms of someone who was happy I was with him.

My next stop was meeting my parents for 8:30a.m. mass, which was said in Todd's honor. This was the second person I became today. It is so easy to fall back in to the grieving widow role, and it is a role I will carry for the rest of my life. Every time the priest said Todd's name this morning, and when the congregation prayed for Todd and for our children, it was like someone was poking the not-yet-healed wound in my heart with a very sharp stick. The comfort of the morning disappeared and all the sadness and loss came back. I guess this is pretty normal when you lose someone, but it is really quite hard to let myself be happy with the new person in my life, when there is still so much hurt and sadness.

So, today I am going to look for the things I am most thankful for. I am extremely thankful that when I was 20-years-old I met a beautiful blonde boy on a Mexican beach, who grew to become the steady, hard-working, loving, gentle man that was my husband. I am thankful for the person he saw in me. I am thankful that he loved and cherished me all the days of his life. I am also thankful for the two greatest gifts he gave me...... my two wonderful children.

I am also extremely thankful that now, so very many years and so very many experiences later, I have found Mr. Blind who is "extremely fond" of me and who I am enjoying spending time with. I have expressly forbidden Mr. Blind to read this blog, but if he "accidentally" reads it, or a follower reads it and paraphrases it for him, I would like to say to him thank-you for showing me that I can be okay, and for showing me that with love, faith and patience we can survive all things. I am thankful that I have been given the gift of spending time with someone who is patient, who is kind, who doesn't judge, and who accepts that I am wounded and am trying to find my way back to life. Thank you for helping lead me on this path.