Temperature's rising

If I were the manufacturer of air conditioners, I would focus my advertising on women my age... and older. That would be my target market, because let's face it, it is like living in hell to have night sweats and hot flashes when the temperature reaches the high nineties, and you don't have air conditioning. In fact, I am going to buy one of those old fashioned in window air conditioners today because sleep is just not happening. A lady at jazzercise told me that when she went through "the change" she didn't sleep for eight years ! I didn't sleep for the years Todd was sick. Then I didn't sleep for another year because I was so sad and lonely. Now I am finally sleeping and I am going to have hot flashes waking me up for the next eight years? I don't think so. I would put a hammock up outside, but that's a little too Gilligan, don't you think? Besides, aren't most hammocks built for one ? Where would the dog sleep -- ha ha ha !

So the wedding of Todd's niece was yesterday, and it was lovely and very much like a fairy tale. The bride looked exactly like a princess. The groom is from Italy and speaks with an accent, so he was like a beautiful foreign prince. I was holding my other niece's 7 week old baby through most of the ceremony. He was gorgeous, but was very warm like most infants tend to be. It was hotter than heck in the room where the ceremony took place. I had worn a very cool yet elegant halter dress, and could actually feel the sweat dripping down my sides during the ceremony. So disgusting ! Not my fairy tale ! My son Max walked the bride's mother down the aisle, and he looked so much like Todd that I started crying. Then I looked behind me at Todd's dad's lady friend and she was crying. Then I looked across the aisle and my mom and dad and sister were crying. Apparently my niece Jennifer was crying too. It was all a bit overwhelming, but I am glad the wedding went so beautifully and it was amazing to see the love the bride and groom have for each other. It was like they were the only two people in the room. To be young and in love is a wonderful thing.

Speaking of love, my Mr. Blind is very reticent about saying anything other than that he is very fond of me. I have told him I love him, but that I am not in love with him. He doesn't seem to understand the difference, and both scare the heck out of him. He was invited to the rehearsal dinner ( we decided it was inappropriate for him to go to Todd's family wedding), but at the last minute he texted me to say he wasn't going to come. So, I had to go to the rehearsal dinner by myself. Because I didn't have a "plus one" I was seated at the kids table with my nieces, their friends, their 2 1/2 year old, and the family maid. I love my nieces and was happy to spend time with them, but it was a little bit weird..... especially when we had to beg that the food be passed to our table ! My blind texted me to apologize for not coming with me, and asked me if I was angry with him. I wasn't angry with him, but was in fact angry with me because I was so disappointed, because I have spent way too much time going to stuff alone, and because I actually wasted tears crying when he I got his text that he wasn't coming with me. I swore when Todd died that I would never cry over a man again. I was not angry at Mr. Blind.... I was disappointed in him and in his decision. We talked about it the next day, and he was a little shaken up when I told him that I have decided not to care about anyone anymore. I will just take life as it happens and not get my feelings involved. He said that won't work for me because I am a caring person and am not jaded enough to just switch that caring off. I guess he is right, but I am going to be a little more cautious about this relationship than I was being previously.
He did say that spending the evening feeling badly about not being with me made him realize how much he cares for me. I'm not sure I understand that, but somewhere in the male psyche that must make sense. It is interesting when dating someone new, when you take stock to look at what you want from a relationship. It may be what your plus one wants as well, or your intent may not be the same at all. That's a conversation I think I might be leading towards with Mr. Blind, but I am not sure we are there yet. What do I want ? Actually, not much. I want someone to talk with, someone to laugh with, someone who will give me a hug when I need a hug.... maybe without my even asking. I don't need anything long term. I just want someone to want to be with me.