If I were the manufacturer of air conditioners, I would focus my advertising on women my age... and older. That would be my target market, because let's face it, it is like living in hell to have night sweats and hot flashes when the temperature reaches the high nineties, and you don't have air conditioning. In fact, I am going to buy one of those old fashioned in window air conditioners today because sleep is just not happening. A lady at jazzercise told me that when she went through "the change" she didn't sleep for eight years ! I didn't sleep for the years Todd was sick. Then I didn't sleep for another year because I was so sad and lonely. Now I am finally sleeping and I am going to have hot flashes waking me up for the next eight years? I don't think so. I would put a hammock up outside, but that's a little too Gilligan, don't you think? Besides, aren't most hammocks built for one ? Where would the dog sleep -- ha ha ha !
So the wedding of Todd's niece was yesterday, and it was lovely and very much like a fairy tale. The bride looked exactly like a princess. The groom is from Italy and speaks with an accent, so he was like a beautiful foreign prince. I was holding my other niece's 7 week old baby through most of the ceremony. He was gorgeous, but was very warm like most infants tend to be. It was hotter than heck in the room where the ceremony took place. I had worn a very cool yet elegant halter dress, and could actually feel the sweat dripping down my sides during the ceremony. So disgusting ! Not my fairy tale ! My son Max walked the bride's mother down the aisle, and he looked so much like Todd that I started crying. Then I looked behind me at Todd's dad's lady friend and she was crying. Then I looked across the aisle and my mom and dad and sister were crying. Apparently my niece Jennifer was crying too. It was all a bit overwhelming, but I am glad the wedding went so beautifully and it was amazing to see the love the bride and groom have for each other. It was like they were the only two people in the room. To be young and in love is a wonderful thing.
Speaking of love, my Mr. Blind is very reticent about saying anything other than that he is very fond of me. I have told him I love him, but that I am not in love with him. He doesn't seem to understand the difference, and both scare the heck out of him. He was invited to the rehearsal dinner ( we decided it was inappropriate for him to go to Todd's family wedding), but at the last minute he texted me to say he wasn't going to come. So, I had to go to the rehearsal dinner by myself. Because I didn't have a "plus one" I was seated at the kids table with my nieces, their friends, their 2 1/2 year old, and the family maid. I love my nieces and was happy to spend time with them, but it was a little bit weird..... especially when we had to beg that the food be passed to our table ! My blind texted me to apologize for not coming with me, and asked me if I was angry with him. I wasn't angry with him, but was in fact angry with me because I was so disappointed, because I have spent way too much time going to stuff alone, and because I actually wasted tears crying when he I got his text that he wasn't coming with me. I swore when Todd died that I would never cry over a man again. I was not angry at Mr. Blind.... I was disappointed in him and in his decision. We talked about it the next day, and he was a little shaken up when I told him that I have decided not to care about anyone anymore. I will just take life as it happens and not get my feelings involved. He said that won't work for me because I am a caring person and am not jaded enough to just switch that caring off. I guess he is right, but I am going to be a little more cautious about this relationship than I was being previously.
He did say that spending the evening feeling badly about not being with me made him realize how much he cares for me. I'm not sure I understand that, but somewhere in the male psyche that must make sense. It is interesting when dating someone new, when you take stock to look at what you want from a relationship. It may be what your plus one wants as well, or your intent may not be the same at all. That's a conversation I think I might be leading towards with Mr. Blind, but I am not sure we are there yet. What do I want ? Actually, not much. I want someone to talk with, someone to laugh with, someone who will give me a hug when I need a hug.... maybe without my even asking. I don't need anything long term. I just want someone to want to be with me.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
pick your poison
Sitting in my darkened bedroom this morning trying to stave off a migraine, I realized just how old I am getting. Really, when you were a kid your day was all about games and friends and what was on tv. As a teenager you talked to your friends about the opposite sex, gossiped about other people, talked about how stupid your teachers were.... .then it was the "getting to know you" kinds of conversations, then talking about your job, your kids, your vacation plans. Now that I am pushing 50 and the people I hang out with are the same ago or older, the talk has actually turned to aches and pains, and to surgeries and medicines. The other night at dinner it was appendectomies, who had their tonsils still, what allery medicines were the best.....I felt like I should have been in an old folks home.
How does this relate to dating over 40, which is the whole reason for my blog ? KNOW YOUR MEDICINES AND THE MEDICINES OF THOSE WHOM YOU ARE DATING.
Not exactly a conversation you want to have, but practical none the less.
For example, if you are back on birth control after a 20-year-hiatus, you may not know that if you are taking an antibiotic it makes the birth control pills less effective. I think that's important information......I know I don't want to have child at this advanced age. Do you ?
I laugh every time I think of those commercials for viagra and other male enhancement drugs that have the warning that says "if you have an erection that lasts over four hours, call a doctor." Todd used to say "hell, if I have an erection that lasts over four hours I'm calling everyone I know !" Hahahahaha.
Ladies, I know the thought of four hours of solid enjoyment is tempting, but really, in reality imagine the stamina it would involve. And if your partner is panicking and trying to get to the phone to call his doctor, and you are still trying to enjoy the ride, I think things might get a bit awkward.
My darling Mr. Blind is on medication for his depression. I know this because of all the pill bottles on the side of his nightstand, and yes, I did look up the side effects on the internet! His declaration of "this is what they give the porn stars so that they can stay erect longer" needed internet confirmation ! (God, men are wierd. Do they not know that sometimes it would be better to just not say anything at all ?) So a few weeks ago things were not going so well with Mr. Blind. He was just not that into me, was cancelling dates, etc. I thought he was trying to break up with me....and I was trying hard not to care because I am not sure I could go through that again, and it would also make my mother right who says I should date lots of people and avoid a broken heart again ! Anyway, I finally demanded an explanation, and guess what ? He had stopped taking his anti-depression medicine because he felt so happy all the time because of our relationship. Now as flattering as that is, it is not exactly the way you are supposed to handle long-term medications, and, if I hadn't asked what the heck was going on, I would never have known that his funk was caused by his self-diagnosed going cold turkey on his medicines. Now that he has started taking them again we are back to our happy selves, and things are working out well. Also I now know two important things.... 1) he is happy with our relationship, and 2) he does want to try to get off the medication at some point. I can help him with this by urging him to get the advice of his doctor, because last time I looked, neither he nor I had a medical degree.
At a recent get together I learned from a wonderful lady we'll call Louise.... that's not her real name but she does get called this accidentally quite often for some odd reason ..... she doesn't look like a Louise...... anyway, I digress.....I heard from Louise that after ten years on match.com she has finally found someone to date. Can you believe anyone would pay the monthly fee on a dating site for ten years without any good matches, and still continue with the site? Hope springs eternal. Anyway, Louise has found her match. I offered her my "know his medications" advice, as he is in his late 70s and I am sure must take a pill or two. She thought I was talking about viagra and sex and said "I don't even know if he can do that anymore. I don't really care, either." Okay, there is so much I don't understand in that sentence! And if she doesn't care about that, why is that the first place her mind went when I mentioned medications ? I thought I was offering her good advice. My God, he could be on heart pills, he could be taking something for alzheimers, he could be taking hormones because he used to be a woman. Who knows ! I am not condoning snooping around in someone's medicine chest..... but I am saying, if the person you are sharing your life with pops a pill in front of you, ask what it is. Once you get the clinical name, look it up on the internet. Knowledge is power !
How does this relate to dating over 40, which is the whole reason for my blog ? KNOW YOUR MEDICINES AND THE MEDICINES OF THOSE WHOM YOU ARE DATING.
Not exactly a conversation you want to have, but practical none the less.
For example, if you are back on birth control after a 20-year-hiatus, you may not know that if you are taking an antibiotic it makes the birth control pills less effective. I think that's important information......I know I don't want to have child at this advanced age. Do you ?
I laugh every time I think of those commercials for viagra and other male enhancement drugs that have the warning that says "if you have an erection that lasts over four hours, call a doctor." Todd used to say "hell, if I have an erection that lasts over four hours I'm calling everyone I know !" Hahahahaha.
Ladies, I know the thought of four hours of solid enjoyment is tempting, but really, in reality imagine the stamina it would involve. And if your partner is panicking and trying to get to the phone to call his doctor, and you are still trying to enjoy the ride, I think things might get a bit awkward.
My darling Mr. Blind is on medication for his depression. I know this because of all the pill bottles on the side of his nightstand, and yes, I did look up the side effects on the internet! His declaration of "this is what they give the porn stars so that they can stay erect longer" needed internet confirmation ! (God, men are wierd. Do they not know that sometimes it would be better to just not say anything at all ?) So a few weeks ago things were not going so well with Mr. Blind. He was just not that into me, was cancelling dates, etc. I thought he was trying to break up with me....and I was trying hard not to care because I am not sure I could go through that again, and it would also make my mother right who says I should date lots of people and avoid a broken heart again ! Anyway, I finally demanded an explanation, and guess what ? He had stopped taking his anti-depression medicine because he felt so happy all the time because of our relationship. Now as flattering as that is, it is not exactly the way you are supposed to handle long-term medications, and, if I hadn't asked what the heck was going on, I would never have known that his funk was caused by his self-diagnosed going cold turkey on his medicines. Now that he has started taking them again we are back to our happy selves, and things are working out well. Also I now know two important things.... 1) he is happy with our relationship, and 2) he does want to try to get off the medication at some point. I can help him with this by urging him to get the advice of his doctor, because last time I looked, neither he nor I had a medical degree.
At a recent get together I learned from a wonderful lady we'll call Louise.... that's not her real name but she does get called this accidentally quite often for some odd reason ..... she doesn't look like a Louise...... anyway, I digress.....I heard from Louise that after ten years on match.com she has finally found someone to date. Can you believe anyone would pay the monthly fee on a dating site for ten years without any good matches, and still continue with the site? Hope springs eternal. Anyway, Louise has found her match. I offered her my "know his medications" advice, as he is in his late 70s and I am sure must take a pill or two. She thought I was talking about viagra and sex and said "I don't even know if he can do that anymore. I don't really care, either." Okay, there is so much I don't understand in that sentence! And if she doesn't care about that, why is that the first place her mind went when I mentioned medications ? I thought I was offering her good advice. My God, he could be on heart pills, he could be taking something for alzheimers, he could be taking hormones because he used to be a woman. Who knows ! I am not condoning snooping around in someone's medicine chest..... but I am saying, if the person you are sharing your life with pops a pill in front of you, ask what it is. Once you get the clinical name, look it up on the internet. Knowledge is power !
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
One person, two lives
Sometimes I feel like I am living two separate lives. Today is my late husband, Todd's birthday.
He would have been 51-years-old today. I woke up today in Mr. Blind's bed.
Last night, when Mr. Blind asked me to come over, I thought long and hard about telling him no, I couldn't do that because I needed to wake up in my own bed this morning since it was Todd's birthday. However, I decided that I would go over the Mr. Blind's house anyway, and just maybe not spend the night. At 3a.m., when I woke up in Mr. Blind's bed, I again thought about leaving and heading home. But you know what, it would not have made one bit of difference if I were at home or elsewhere. It is still Todd's birthday. I still miss him terribly and wish he was still here. I wish we were celebrating with chocolate cake and champagne but the truth is, that is not going to happen. I can celebrate Todd in my heart and in my mind, but I can no longer celebrate with him in person. So I went back to sleep and in a way, a few hours later, it was comforting to wake up in the arms of someone who was happy I was with him.
My next stop was meeting my parents for 8:30a.m. mass, which was said in Todd's honor. This was the second person I became today. It is so easy to fall back in to the grieving widow role, and it is a role I will carry for the rest of my life. Every time the priest said Todd's name this morning, and when the congregation prayed for Todd and for our children, it was like someone was poking the not-yet-healed wound in my heart with a very sharp stick. The comfort of the morning disappeared and all the sadness and loss came back. I guess this is pretty normal when you lose someone, but it is really quite hard to let myself be happy with the new person in my life, when there is still so much hurt and sadness.
So, today I am going to look for the things I am most thankful for. I am extremely thankful that when I was 20-years-old I met a beautiful blonde boy on a Mexican beach, who grew to become the steady, hard-working, loving, gentle man that was my husband. I am thankful for the person he saw in me. I am thankful that he loved and cherished me all the days of his life. I am also thankful for the two greatest gifts he gave me...... my two wonderful children.
I am also extremely thankful that now, so very many years and so very many experiences later, I have found Mr. Blind who is "extremely fond" of me and who I am enjoying spending time with. I have expressly forbidden Mr. Blind to read this blog, but if he "accidentally" reads it, or a follower reads it and paraphrases it for him, I would like to say to him thank-you for showing me that I can be okay, and for showing me that with love, faith and patience we can survive all things. I am thankful that I have been given the gift of spending time with someone who is patient, who is kind, who doesn't judge, and who accepts that I am wounded and am trying to find my way back to life. Thank you for helping lead me on this path.
He would have been 51-years-old today. I woke up today in Mr. Blind's bed.
Last night, when Mr. Blind asked me to come over, I thought long and hard about telling him no, I couldn't do that because I needed to wake up in my own bed this morning since it was Todd's birthday. However, I decided that I would go over the Mr. Blind's house anyway, and just maybe not spend the night. At 3a.m., when I woke up in Mr. Blind's bed, I again thought about leaving and heading home. But you know what, it would not have made one bit of difference if I were at home or elsewhere. It is still Todd's birthday. I still miss him terribly and wish he was still here. I wish we were celebrating with chocolate cake and champagne but the truth is, that is not going to happen. I can celebrate Todd in my heart and in my mind, but I can no longer celebrate with him in person. So I went back to sleep and in a way, a few hours later, it was comforting to wake up in the arms of someone who was happy I was with him.
My next stop was meeting my parents for 8:30a.m. mass, which was said in Todd's honor. This was the second person I became today. It is so easy to fall back in to the grieving widow role, and it is a role I will carry for the rest of my life. Every time the priest said Todd's name this morning, and when the congregation prayed for Todd and for our children, it was like someone was poking the not-yet-healed wound in my heart with a very sharp stick. The comfort of the morning disappeared and all the sadness and loss came back. I guess this is pretty normal when you lose someone, but it is really quite hard to let myself be happy with the new person in my life, when there is still so much hurt and sadness.
So, today I am going to look for the things I am most thankful for. I am extremely thankful that when I was 20-years-old I met a beautiful blonde boy on a Mexican beach, who grew to become the steady, hard-working, loving, gentle man that was my husband. I am thankful for the person he saw in me. I am thankful that he loved and cherished me all the days of his life. I am also thankful for the two greatest gifts he gave me...... my two wonderful children.
I am also extremely thankful that now, so very many years and so very many experiences later, I have found Mr. Blind who is "extremely fond" of me and who I am enjoying spending time with. I have expressly forbidden Mr. Blind to read this blog, but if he "accidentally" reads it, or a follower reads it and paraphrases it for him, I would like to say to him thank-you for showing me that I can be okay, and for showing me that with love, faith and patience we can survive all things. I am thankful that I have been given the gift of spending time with someone who is patient, who is kind, who doesn't judge, and who accepts that I am wounded and am trying to find my way back to life. Thank you for helping lead me on this path.
Friday, June 11, 2010
love is in the air
My beautiful niece, Michelle, is getting married in two weeks and next Saturday I am throwing her a bridal shower. There is nothing like young love. It makes everything fell fresh and clean, and full of hope!
I remember oh so long ago when I was planning my wedding. Everything was so exciting and filled with possibilities. The bridal shower was overflowing with people smiling, and papers and ribbons and decorations. I remember the excitement of hiking out to the mailbox every afternoon to see if any more rsvp cards had come. Now it seems like everything is digital e-vites and e-mail responses. When I went to our local stationary store to purchase the shower invitations, I was appalled at the lack of choices available. The store clerk told me that invitations just don't sell, as everything is done electronically now. I guess I could see an e-vite for a movie night out, or a backyard bbq or a housewarming maybe, but for a wedding shower ? Seems kind of tacky to me. What happened to the romance of getting a beautiful flowered invitation in the mail, tacking it up on your bulletin board or on the side of the refridge, and looking at it every day ? I have the invitations from my wedding functions in my scrapbook still, after all these years. Somehow it just wouldn't be the same if I had to download the card, respond electronically, print it out and add it to my scrapbook hoping the ink and paper wouldn't fade after a number of years. I know the digital photos we printed out of our trip to Italy seven years ago look like faded crap now. I wouldn't want that to happen to my wedding invitation.
Today I went back to the same store to find wrapping paper for the shower favors. I had gone to RiteAid but there was no such thing as wedding shower wrapping paper available there. Okay, when did that happen? Where are the rolls of bright paper with little umbrellas on them, saying "showers of joy" and other stupid sayings ? They didn't have any at either store. I had to settle for plain white. I have to tell you, I came home pretty discouraged. All of the fun had been taken out of the afternoon. Engagements and showers and wedding and babies should be something you celebrate with fancy gift wrap, pretty cards, loads of ribbons and do dads and fancy enhancements..... not something I have to put my glasses on so I can download !
I remember oh so long ago when I was planning my wedding. Everything was so exciting and filled with possibilities. The bridal shower was overflowing with people smiling, and papers and ribbons and decorations. I remember the excitement of hiking out to the mailbox every afternoon to see if any more rsvp cards had come. Now it seems like everything is digital e-vites and e-mail responses. When I went to our local stationary store to purchase the shower invitations, I was appalled at the lack of choices available. The store clerk told me that invitations just don't sell, as everything is done electronically now. I guess I could see an e-vite for a movie night out, or a backyard bbq or a housewarming maybe, but for a wedding shower ? Seems kind of tacky to me. What happened to the romance of getting a beautiful flowered invitation in the mail, tacking it up on your bulletin board or on the side of the refridge, and looking at it every day ? I have the invitations from my wedding functions in my scrapbook still, after all these years. Somehow it just wouldn't be the same if I had to download the card, respond electronically, print it out and add it to my scrapbook hoping the ink and paper wouldn't fade after a number of years. I know the digital photos we printed out of our trip to Italy seven years ago look like faded crap now. I wouldn't want that to happen to my wedding invitation.
Today I went back to the same store to find wrapping paper for the shower favors. I had gone to RiteAid but there was no such thing as wedding shower wrapping paper available there. Okay, when did that happen? Where are the rolls of bright paper with little umbrellas on them, saying "showers of joy" and other stupid sayings ? They didn't have any at either store. I had to settle for plain white. I have to tell you, I came home pretty discouraged. All of the fun had been taken out of the afternoon. Engagements and showers and wedding and babies should be something you celebrate with fancy gift wrap, pretty cards, loads of ribbons and do dads and fancy enhancements..... not something I have to put my glasses on so I can download !
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)