My son walked by while I was looking at a dating profile site, and he absolutely flipped out. Yelled at me that there was no way I was going to start dating already..... that he would fight anyone who came to the house for a date. Obviously he is not ready for his mother to start dating. Perhaps because he is not dating !
I remember my late husband telling me that when he was a teen, ( his mother died when he was 12-years-old), his father had a better social life than he and his brothers did. He said it was really difficult going through the whole dating scene while his father was dating also. I understand that, but my son is 21-years-old. Yes, he still lives at home ( until I can find and afford an apartment in San Francisco for him), yes, he was absolutely devastated at his father's sickness and death, but his reaction still surprised me. I asked him if he wants me to be lonely for the rest of my life. He said no, but that he is not ready for me to date yet. What do I do? Do I tell him it is none of his business ? Do I understand his viewpoint, take it to heart, and not date anyone until he is ready ? Do I date, but be sneaky about it ? It is quite a dilemna.
What I couldn't really explain to my son is that I don't really think I am ready to date either, but I feel like I have to put myself out there and just dip my toes in the water. If I wait too long, I will never take that leap.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Definition
How does one define themselves ? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I used to define myself as someone's wife, two someone's mothers, someone's daughter, someone's sister, an Italian Catholic, and as someone in the print industry.....pretty much in that order..... though I know Todd thought I spent an awful lot of time doing work-related things, especially when i would spend hours on the computer during every vacation ! ( wow, talk about a run on sentence !)
Now instead of being someone's wife, I WAS someone's wife. It pretty much changes the view.
When I was younger I always wanted to be independent. I couldn't wait to get through school and become a career person. I didn't want to have to rely on anyone for anything. Ahhhh, the follies of youth ! Independence is wonderful, but it is nothing compared to having someone to share with. Yes, I have always worked and have always contributed to the finances..... my job didn't pay nearly as much as Todd's, but I contributed just the same. But it's not even about finances. Those of you in committed relationships know. It is wonderful to have someone to talk to. To have someone to share the ups and downs of life with. When the kids are driving me crazy, I like having someone on my side...... or at least someone who will listen to me complain ! It was nice having someone to share decisions with. It was nice having someone to share a bowl of ice cream with. It was nice knowing that someone was there when you reached out during the night.
I don't really know where I am going with this. I like to think that I can now, and for the next fifty years, be a strong, independent woman who calls the shots, takes no prisoners, and doesn't need to find another person to help define me. But is that truly what I want ?
Now instead of being someone's wife, I WAS someone's wife. It pretty much changes the view.
When I was younger I always wanted to be independent. I couldn't wait to get through school and become a career person. I didn't want to have to rely on anyone for anything. Ahhhh, the follies of youth ! Independence is wonderful, but it is nothing compared to having someone to share with. Yes, I have always worked and have always contributed to the finances..... my job didn't pay nearly as much as Todd's, but I contributed just the same. But it's not even about finances. Those of you in committed relationships know. It is wonderful to have someone to talk to. To have someone to share the ups and downs of life with. When the kids are driving me crazy, I like having someone on my side...... or at least someone who will listen to me complain ! It was nice having someone to share decisions with. It was nice having someone to share a bowl of ice cream with. It was nice knowing that someone was there when you reached out during the night.
I don't really know where I am going with this. I like to think that I can now, and for the next fifty years, be a strong, independent woman who calls the shots, takes no prisoners, and doesn't need to find another person to help define me. But is that truly what I want ?
Friday, January 15, 2010
On-line winking, and somebody's angel
In the interest of research for this blog, or at least that is what I am telling myself, I signed up for a 3-month subscription to match.com. Am I ready to meet an absolute stranger for coffee ? I don't know.....perhaps......though quite a few of them say they are looking for a lasting long term relationship, or for their "last first date." Yeah, right !
I have been a "member" for three days now and have received a few "winks" and a few e-mails. Would I go out with someone who winked at me on the street ? NO. So why would I be interested in someone who winked at me on line ? If you ask me it's still sleezy, no matter the venue.
One man wrote and said I looked like an angel. HaHaHa. Unless, of course, he meant "Rubenesque", but I doubt if he knows that word considering the spelling in the rest of his
e-mail.
What I have found is that in the 48-58 year age group, most of the men are for some reason 51-years old. They all talk about themselves WAY TOO MUCH, they all think they are "fit and athletic",they all describe themselves as having hazel eyes, and they seem to be very interested in hunting and fishing. Another interesting thing. It asks where your favorite place in the world is, and so far, to a man, they've all said Maui. Okay, I like Maui as much as the next person, but favorite place in the world..... I don't think so. Is Maui really the to-go vacation spot for divorced, hazel-eyed hunters ?
Is what is out there in the dating pool divorced guys who like to shoot things, trailer camp, drink beer and scratch themselves...... and dream of a lifetime trip to Maui to sit on the beach and look at the young girls in bikinis?
If just one person said he had blue eyes, liked cooking, had a sense of humor and loved Italy, I would be winking at him like a maniac!
Here's the other weird thing. You post your picture on these sites, and put a certain geographical area of interest...... for instance, 60 miles from your current postal code.
Yesterday I was at Target in Napa and some man kept following me around with his cart. After we "accidentally" bumped into each other for the fourth time I was getting pretty creeped out. Then I thought, "Oh God, maybe he recognized me from my picture on the dating website." It really freaked me out.
Some tips on using the dating websites from someone who has had 3 days of experience:
1) If their profile says they are interested in someone age 18 to 80.... RUN
2) If they e-mail you and say "let's get off this site and e-mail privately", RUN.... and yes, this happened today. These sites are monitored, so if the person contacting you, on the first e-mail, wants to ditch the monitored site, he is probably a maniac of some sort. Oh, did I mention this is the same guy who thinks I look like an angel ?
3) Be aware of the sign in names. If the potential "date" signs in with something like "machobodyman," really think twice before winking. I am also a little leery of the ones whose profile names are "reallyasweetheart" or "tooniceaguy." Trying a little too hard to make themselves look good, I'd say.
I do know of people who have met the love of their lives on this site, so it does have merit. It's just that you have to sort though the weeds to find the daisies...... or as my mom used to say,
"You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet prince charming." OMG, that reminds me, on one guy's profile he says that you have to be a good kisser or he is not interested..... just sends chills down your spine, doesn't it ?
I have been a "member" for three days now and have received a few "winks" and a few e-mails. Would I go out with someone who winked at me on the street ? NO. So why would I be interested in someone who winked at me on line ? If you ask me it's still sleezy, no matter the venue.
One man wrote and said I looked like an angel. HaHaHa. Unless, of course, he meant "Rubenesque", but I doubt if he knows that word considering the spelling in the rest of his
e-mail.
What I have found is that in the 48-58 year age group, most of the men are for some reason 51-years old. They all talk about themselves WAY TOO MUCH, they all think they are "fit and athletic",they all describe themselves as having hazel eyes, and they seem to be very interested in hunting and fishing. Another interesting thing. It asks where your favorite place in the world is, and so far, to a man, they've all said Maui. Okay, I like Maui as much as the next person, but favorite place in the world..... I don't think so. Is Maui really the to-go vacation spot for divorced, hazel-eyed hunters ?
Is what is out there in the dating pool divorced guys who like to shoot things, trailer camp, drink beer and scratch themselves...... and dream of a lifetime trip to Maui to sit on the beach and look at the young girls in bikinis?
If just one person said he had blue eyes, liked cooking, had a sense of humor and loved Italy, I would be winking at him like a maniac!
Here's the other weird thing. You post your picture on these sites, and put a certain geographical area of interest...... for instance, 60 miles from your current postal code.
Yesterday I was at Target in Napa and some man kept following me around with his cart. After we "accidentally" bumped into each other for the fourth time I was getting pretty creeped out. Then I thought, "Oh God, maybe he recognized me from my picture on the dating website." It really freaked me out.
Some tips on using the dating websites from someone who has had 3 days of experience:
1) If their profile says they are interested in someone age 18 to 80.... RUN
2) If they e-mail you and say "let's get off this site and e-mail privately", RUN.... and yes, this happened today. These sites are monitored, so if the person contacting you, on the first e-mail, wants to ditch the monitored site, he is probably a maniac of some sort. Oh, did I mention this is the same guy who thinks I look like an angel ?
3) Be aware of the sign in names. If the potential "date" signs in with something like "machobodyman," really think twice before winking. I am also a little leery of the ones whose profile names are "reallyasweetheart" or "tooniceaguy." Trying a little too hard to make themselves look good, I'd say.
I do know of people who have met the love of their lives on this site, so it does have merit. It's just that you have to sort though the weeds to find the daisies...... or as my mom used to say,
"You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet prince charming." OMG, that reminds me, on one guy's profile he says that you have to be a good kisser or he is not interested..... just sends chills down your spine, doesn't it ?
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
update to today's blog
I just read in the paper that Carnival Crusies has decided to do away with its "Cougar Cruises", so I guess that option is out as well.
Singles cruises .... or booty call at sea ..... might be an option, as long as you can keep from going overboard !Ha Ha !
Wait, the on-line news update is that Royal Caribbean has said they will pick up the "Cougar Cruise" and add it to their line. Hope springs eternal !
Singles cruises .... or booty call at sea ..... might be an option, as long as you can keep from going overboard !Ha Ha !
Wait, the on-line news update is that Royal Caribbean has said they will pick up the "Cougar Cruise" and add it to their line. Hope springs eternal !
Where to start looking
Now that this dating thing is in my head I wondered, where do you start looking....
I met a woman in the Las Vegas airport who was my age and single, and my mom asked her about dating in this day and age. Once we assured her I wasn't interested in HER -- ( thanks for that misunderstanding, mom) -- she said in her experience the dating websites are full of men who are either diseased or married, and/or looking for one-night stands. So, if the dating websites are out, where do you start looking ?
Church ? I guess that would be okay.... but watch out for the priest!
Community Education Classes ? Perhaps. You might meet someone with the same interests as you.
Bars ? No thanks. Not in this small town.... and especially since my son and his friends are all 21. In the old days when I would be out with someone at a bar, it was only a matter of time before some town busy body called my parents to report. Now I have to worry about my son's friends?
Work ? They say never to date someone you work with, which wouldn't be too hard for me since I work out of my home for a company based in Hong Kong. Not much chance of meeting anyone.
I think this is how Munchausen's disease came about. Women out on the prowl for a nice doctor to date. When all other options fail, make up a disease. You never know..... it just might work !
I met a woman in the Las Vegas airport who was my age and single, and my mom asked her about dating in this day and age. Once we assured her I wasn't interested in HER -- ( thanks for that misunderstanding, mom) -- she said in her experience the dating websites are full of men who are either diseased or married, and/or looking for one-night stands. So, if the dating websites are out, where do you start looking ?
Church ? I guess that would be okay.... but watch out for the priest!
Community Education Classes ? Perhaps. You might meet someone with the same interests as you.
Bars ? No thanks. Not in this small town.... and especially since my son and his friends are all 21. In the old days when I would be out with someone at a bar, it was only a matter of time before some town busy body called my parents to report. Now I have to worry about my son's friends?
Work ? They say never to date someone you work with, which wouldn't be too hard for me since I work out of my home for a company based in Hong Kong. Not much chance of meeting anyone.
I think this is how Munchausen's disease came about. Women out on the prowl for a nice doctor to date. When all other options fail, make up a disease. You never know..... it just might work !
Monday, January 11, 2010
condoms, etc !
True story..... an acquaintance who is in her early 50s is dating a man 17 years younger . Okay, I know you either want to say "ick" or "woo hoo, go for it !" I am stuck somewhere in between.
I am suspicious as to what this 34-year-old wants with a 50-something woman with 3 kids. A mommy figure, perhaps ? I guess that could be kinky, but, really..."ick."
It gets worse. She only sees him one day a week. Can you say "booty call?" Great for her, but where is he the other 6 days of the week ? And, he refuses to wear a condom ! She boasts that they "don't make condoms that size" .....I assume she means he's well endowed, since she is boasting, but COME ON LADY, WHAT ARE WE.... 14-years-old ? Is it really appropriate to talk about things like that ? And what kind of a fool are you, not practicing safety measures ? Apparantly wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age !
I am suspicious as to what this 34-year-old wants with a 50-something woman with 3 kids. A mommy figure, perhaps ? I guess that could be kinky, but, really..."ick."
It gets worse. She only sees him one day a week. Can you say "booty call?" Great for her, but where is he the other 6 days of the week ? And, he refuses to wear a condom ! She boasts that they "don't make condoms that size" .....I assume she means he's well endowed, since she is boasting, but COME ON LADY, WHAT ARE WE.... 14-years-old ? Is it really appropriate to talk about things like that ? And what kind of a fool are you, not practicing safety measures ? Apparantly wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age !
Sunday, January 10, 2010
dating ?
I was at a party recently where I was one of the only single women. Of course, the tall, good-looking single men were swarming around the big-busted, blond, blowzy "actress" and were totally ignoring me. If it were high school I would have been devastated. Now, however, I was actually relieved. How do you even begin again after 28 years ?
Yes, I am a widow. My husband has been dead for ten months now. He was sick for 2.5 years before he died. I cannot believe that I have to live life without him, and the truth is, I am really lonely even though I have two great kids. So, I have been thinking lately, especially after the party, how do you start again ?
It has literally been 28 years since I went on a date ! And believe me, I did not do a lot of dating. I met Todd when I was 20-years-old on a beach in Mexico. We fell in love shortly there after. When I look back on it now, especially since our kids are now close to that age, I realize just how lucky I was. I found someone who absolutely cherished me, and I didn't have to bother with all of the dating crap...... bars, classified ads, dating web sites...... it makes me shudder just thinking about it.
The question is, now, at age 48, do I really want to start dating again ? Yes, I realize it is too soon to date...... but what happens when it is time ? How long do you wait ? How do you know when you are ready ? Is it when I lose the 40+ pounds that have somehow found me over the years ? Is it when my kids have found their way back into life after losing their dad ? Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was some sign, like my wedding ring slipping off my finger during the night. That way I would know that it was okay to start again.
I am absolutely paralyzed with fear at the very thought of it all.
I read somewhere that older men are looking for someone half their age plus seven. Does that mean my chances of dating are limited to men who are 103 years old ! Stalking rest homes just isn't my style !
Yes, I am a widow. My husband has been dead for ten months now. He was sick for 2.5 years before he died. I cannot believe that I have to live life without him, and the truth is, I am really lonely even though I have two great kids. So, I have been thinking lately, especially after the party, how do you start again ?
It has literally been 28 years since I went on a date ! And believe me, I did not do a lot of dating. I met Todd when I was 20-years-old on a beach in Mexico. We fell in love shortly there after. When I look back on it now, especially since our kids are now close to that age, I realize just how lucky I was. I found someone who absolutely cherished me, and I didn't have to bother with all of the dating crap...... bars, classified ads, dating web sites...... it makes me shudder just thinking about it.
The question is, now, at age 48, do I really want to start dating again ? Yes, I realize it is too soon to date...... but what happens when it is time ? How long do you wait ? How do you know when you are ready ? Is it when I lose the 40+ pounds that have somehow found me over the years ? Is it when my kids have found their way back into life after losing their dad ? Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was some sign, like my wedding ring slipping off my finger during the night. That way I would know that it was okay to start again.
I am absolutely paralyzed with fear at the very thought of it all.
I read somewhere that older men are looking for someone half their age plus seven. Does that mean my chances of dating are limited to men who are 103 years old ! Stalking rest homes just isn't my style !
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